


Peridot is Housetrapped Trash

by hTeDruknenPotaT



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Human AU, Jaspidot - Freeform, a LOT of references to Homestuck, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-19
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-04-10 02:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4373489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hTeDruknenPotaT/pseuds/hTeDruknenPotaT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a reason that Jasper and Peridot wear yellow diamonds on their shirts, and it isn't because they're part of some Great Diamond Authority.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Peridot is Housetrapped Trash

**Author's Note:**

> This is my gift to the Jaspidot shippers. 
> 
> Just a note: this was originally going to be part of a series of followup stories to Inferior Blue but I decided to post this separately. So, Sprinkles is Jasper's cat. And Robot Fingers is a nickname that Peridot has.

“Alright, Peridot, are you gonna tell me what the hell is wrong already or are you just gonna make me keep guessing?”

The voice on the other end of the line let out a series of sobs through which the words, “I— already told you!” were barely comprehensible.  Jasper sighed, rubbed her temples, and tried to remember the events in her life that had led up to her befriending Peridot.  It was so far back that she couldn’t remember anymore.

“Is this about Housetrapped?”

“OF COURSE IT IS, DID YOU HEAR A WORD I SAID?!”

“No, you piece of shit, I didn’t understand a word of that.”

“JASPER, I’M IN HELL!”

Jasper grit her teeth and tried to remember how to be supportive.  It wasn’t her strong suit.  “What happened, did Eggbrat or whatever die?”

“No, well… he did, but that was only like, twice, he’s fine now—”

“He died, but he’s fine?”

“No, I mean— He only died in order to reach—”

“I swear to fucking god, if you try to explain this damn webcomic to me again—”

“Anyway,” Peridot continues, her sobbing fading to distressed and pathetic whimpering, “I finally finished act five.”

“When did you do that?  It’s eight in the morning.”

“About ten minutes ago?”

“You fucking called me ten minutes ago.”

“THAT’S BECAUSE I FINISHED ACT FIVE TEN MINUTES AGO!  Wait— f-fuck you, it was seven minutes ago—  I spent those other three minutes staring at the screen in shock…”

“So what happened to Eggbrat?” Jasper asked, nearly tripping over Sprinkles.  The damn cat meowed for her food, gazing up at her with large, distressed eyes.

“You know there are other characters?  Why is _he_ the only one you can remember?”

Jasper chose not to answer, excusing herself by reasoning that she had to feed the fucking cat.  She put the phone down while she vaguely listened to Peridot wailing about the fucktillion other characters in Housetrapped.

Jasper didn’t need to call her any names.  She couldn’t insult Peridot any more than she had insulted herself, because Peridot spent most of the conversation loudly calling herself “trash” and “a dead pile of shit” and Jasper was grateful that she wasn’t in any fandoms because nerds seemed to have the lowest self-esteem.

“You’re a mess,” she finally said.

“I know.  I’m a worthless scum of the earth—”

“No.  You don’t become scum by staying in your room all the time and reading a damn webcomic.  You become scum by getting out and doing horrible things.  Stop thinking so highly of yourself.”

“I’m gonna—”

“You’re not gonna do anything but lie in your bed and sob.  Now hold on and keep your worthless trash ass there for a few minutes.  Don’t move.  I’m….” Jasper hesitated.  What the hell was she thinking?  She was only willing to go so far to be a good friend, and when it came to friendship, she was _not_ the type of person who would sacrifice precious time to help drag her meme-loving friend out of Housetrapped hell….  “I’m coming over.”

Fuck it.

“You would— do that….?”

“Yeah, Peri, and you better be kissing my damn feet when I get there.”

Peridot sniffled.  “I love you,” she gasped.

“That’s… the first time I ever heard that.  Shit.”  She would take that back.  As soon as she was sobered from her webcomic high, Jasper _knew_ she would take that back.  “Yeah, I’m a quality-ass friend, Peri.”

She spat some profanity-ridden goodbye as she hung up and wondered why she did the things that she did.  She was too nice.  Too goddamn nice, and someday, this was going to come back to bite her hard in the ass.  Jasper knew this, and here she was, putting on her shoes and storming out to face Peridot in whatever awful state she was in.

**◊** **◊ ◊**

Peridot was swimming in grey.  The corner of the laptop screen poking out from under the blankets was the only indicator of where the hell she was.  She was nestled in her nest of heavy grey blankets, nearly hidden in an oversized grey sweatshirt, surrounded by empty bags of doritos and twinkie wrappers.  Jasper stepped forward into the room, and an empty water bottle crunched under her foot.

“Are you shitting me.”

A small, muffled voice called out from the pile of blankets.  “Hiiii..."

"Listen, Peridot, you know you're milking it at this point.  You're just being overdramatic about this whole nerd thing.  I'm not amused."

Jasper marched over and ripped the blankets off of Peridot's sniveling body.  She spasmed in the sudden cold and yanked blindly for them.

"It's time to get out of bed, you trashy piece of shit."

"WHY SHOULD I?!" Peridot screamed.  "My life will never amount to anything...."

Jasper sighed and threw her filthy blankets on the floor.  “This place smells like dog shit.  When was the last time you showered?”

“JASPER, I’M FREEZING!”

Jasper kicked away Peridot’s blankets while Peridot hugged herself tightly, shivering dramatically.  She curled up into a ball and sobbed again.  “Youdon’tunderstand you—  You big clod...”

“I asked your parents how they put up with all the blood-curdling screaming,” said Jasper, sitting herself down on the edge of Peridot’s bed.  “They said they were so used to it they barely notice it anymore.  You know what that means?  If you actually get hurt, they’re just gonna think another Housetrapped character died.”

Peridot glared at her through the folds of her sweatshirt.  “Make yourself useful and get me another box of tissues from the bathroom.”

Jasper picked up a crumpled tissue lying next to her and scowled.  “This is disgusting.”

 _“I’m_ disgusting,” Peridot sobbed.  A thick line of snot ran down her nose, dripping into the depths of her sweatshirt.

“I’ll get you the damn tissues,” Jasper sighed.  She tramped through the house (being sure to leave Peridot’s door wide open just to piss her off), down the familiar hallway to Peridot’s bathroom.  She opened the door, and shut it as an inhuman shriek met her ears.

“I hate everyone in this fucking house,” she muttered.  She folded her arms and leaned against the door until the bathroom door swung open and a lanky boy with Peridot’s cute button nose emerged.  “Lock the door next time, asshole.”

“Jasper,” said the boy, hurriedly wiping his hands on his sleeves.  “So glad you’re here.  Listen, we have two things in common.”

“I still don’t know your name.”

“We both love Peridot, _and_ we both hate Peridot.  You feel me, right?”

“Move it, I need to get your sister some goddamn tissues.”

Peridot’s brother blocked the entrance to the bathroom, pleading at her with eyes heavily lined in dark circles.  He was a brave kid.  “She’s been raising holy hell ever since she started reading that awful webcomic.  She won’t listen to any of us, but maybe you can either get her out of the house or shut her up somehow?  I don’t want to wait until she dies in there, then her body’s gonna stink up the whole place—”

He must have been really desperate, Jasper thought, to block her path.  Either he didn’t fear death, or dealing with Peridot was worse than death.  “Grow a backbone,” she told the kid.  He groaned in frustration as he stepped aside.  And as much as Jasper hated giving in, she muttered out of the corner of her mouth, “It’s not gonna be easy.”

He gave her a smile that might have been encouraging, reached up a hand to pat her on the arm, then obviously thought better of it when he drew his hand away and slumped back to his room.  Jasper snagged a box of tissues and returned to Peridot’s smelly hellhole.  “I got the—”

The bed was empty.  Jasper frowned, scanning the room with her eyes, and spotted her on the floor, wrapped again in her blankets.

“You couldn’t just pick them up...”

“Jasper.”

“What.”

“Jasper,” Peridot repeated.

“What do you want you piece of—”

“Hold me.”

“I swear to fucking _god,_ Peridot —”

“I NEED YOUR BIG BEEFY ARMS ENVELOPING MY SHIVERING SKINNY BODY, YOU JERK!”

“That’s it.”  Jasper reached into the mound of grey blankets and extracted Peridot by the arm while she fought and protesting and cursed.  “We’re leaving.  I’m getting you out of the house.”

“Out _side?_  My kind don’t _go_ outside!  We wallow in pools of our own shame!”

“Listen here, you shitbucket—”

“Haha, bucket!”  Peridot giggled.  “Th-that’s a housetrapped sex thing!”

“Are you going out in that, or are you gonna let me give you a chance to put on something respectable that _isn’t_ filled with your snot?”

“I’m _not_ going out —”

“You’re going outside.”

Peridot sniffed, trying to recover her dignity while her arm was still being gripped by Jasper’s hand.  “I don’t need to get dressed.  Might as well let everyone know I’m trash...”

“Good.”

As Jasper led Peridot out of her bedroom, her brother poked his head out of his door and flashed Jasper the thumbs-up.  In return, she flipped him off.

She didn’t have anything against him.

In fact, they got along pretty well.

Peridot walked with her shoulders hunched.  “I swear,” she mumbled, “if anyone makes so much as _one_ crack about me coming out of my room...”

Fresh air and Peridot evidently didn’t get along.  When Jasper dragged her outside, Peridot gasped and shielded her eyes.  “THE GLOWING HATE ORB IS STABBING MY EYES!!”

“You know that’s the fucking sun—”

“IT’S BLINDING ME, JASPER!  THIS IS WHY MY KIND STAY INDOORS!”

A friendly looking old lady glanced at Peridot in concern while she writhed.  Jasper didn’t say anything.  She let Peridot get it out of her system until she finally squinted angrily at the sun and said, “The world is so... big.”

“You decide a place.  Where’re we going.”

“The arcade.”

“So you can keep staring at a fucking screen?  If you can’t come up with something better, then _I’m_ deciding.”

“I don’t care.  I didn’t want to come out anyway.”

Jasper took hold of her wrist.  “Good.  We’re going on a nice, peaceful walk along the boardwalk.”

At first, Peridot didn’t say anything.  She sulked at Jasper’s side, refusing to go anywhere, until she smirked and pointed to a rainbow in the door of one of the tiny souvenir shops.  “Heh.  Some conservative moms are gonna get pissed...”

“It looks just like the caste system,” Peridot snorted.  “IT MAKES SENSE!  BECAUSE EVERYONE IN HOUSETRAPPED IS GAY TRASH!”

“I swear, if you say the word _trash_ one more time —”

Peridot grinned.  All she had to say now was how every goddamn thing on the boardwalk related to Housetrapped.  A deck of playing cards, again with the buckets, and she broke down sobbing when they passed by a store window that sold Cascade.

“Peri, are you fucking serious...?”

“HOUSETRAPPED IS EVERYWHERE!  YOU CAN’T FIGHT THE HOUSETRAPPED!”

Jasper was much less annoyed now than she was disturbed.  She was used to Peridot’s hissy fits that she got into over her fandoms, and she was fine putting up with it because she knew that she probably gave her an equal amount of shit to put up with.  But this was just weird.  Peridot didn’t usually get like this in public.  She was acting... possessed.

She either needed a priest to purge some unholy spirit from her, or there was something awful and mind-controlling about Housetrapped.

And with the way Peridot was acting... she was curious to find out.

**◊** **◊ ◊**

_To: Peridorito  
alright peri what the fuck am i reading is this the right comic_

Peridot texted back instantly.

_From: Peridorito  
!!!!ASIDOHFAOGHDHSKJIPGA!!11!_

_From: Peridorito  
YES ITS THE RIGHT COMIC I KNOW I THOUGHT THAT TOO_

_From: Peridorito  
I CANT BELIEVE YOURE READING IT OH MY GOD_

_To: Peridorito  
yeah calm your shit idk how far im gonna get this is boring as hell_

_To: Peridorito  
Seriously when is eggbrat gonna get out of his fucking bedroom _

_From: Peridorito  
DON’T STOP THERE I PROMISE YOU IT GETS BETTER_

A hundred pages later, Jasper still didn’t get it.  When she searched up Housetrapped online the images she found were of colorful aliens that weren’t white little pill-shaped beings.  Not some pathetic nerd trapped in his house.

The more Jasper thought about it, the more the pathetic nerd was reminding her of Peridot.  It all made sense now.  Peridot _was_ the pill-shaped nerd.  Peridot was the one stuck at home — you could even say she was... _housetrapped_.  And now, goddamn it, she had tricked _Jasper_ into being housetrapped.  Well, Jasper was determined not to let herself become just like the titular character and all the pathetic nerds trapped in their houses.  She was not going to be the next victim of this Andrew Pussy bastard.

Jasper was no housetrapped nerd.  She was a _real_ person with real goals and ambitions, and more heads to smash.  And hell knew she wasn’t going to smash any heads with her eyes glued to a computer screen.

But the colorful aliens looked mildly intriguing.

**◊** **◊ ◊**

_To: Peridorito  
okay i guess its not so bad_

_From: Peridorito  
???!?!??///??/11//!?//!??_

_To: Peridorito  
yeah this bitchka character is kinda interesting_

_From: Peridorito  
Holy shit you read fast!!_

_From: Peridorito  
I can’t believe you got this far!!!!!!!!  We have so much to talk about._

_To: Peridorito  
nah i just skipped to act 5 to get to the goblins_

Peridot didn’t text back right away.  Jasper frowned at her phone harder the more seconds passed.  This wasn’t _like_ Peridot.  She was glued to her phone.  “Are you okay...” she muttered.

After a minute the reply finally came.

_From: Peridorito  
Are._

_From: Peridorito  
You._

_From: Peridorito  
Fucking._

_From: Peridorito  
kIDDING ME YOU LITERAL PIECE OF SHIT I THOUGHT YOU WERE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY YOU DO NOT SKIP THE FIRST 4 ACTS I TRUSTED YOU GODDAMN IT I CANNOT EXPRESS MY RAGE WITH CAPSLOCK_

_From: Peridorito  
HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF SOUND ANGRIER THAN CAPSLOCK? >>>>././  I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE GOING TO PULL THIS SHIT!!!AAARRGHHGHGHHSIODHGSIOHDSUOHDSUYE*(*888(((9(9_

_To: Peridorito  
what the fuck its just a comic_

The next five replies that came were just incomprehensible keysmashing.  She must have been really pissed.  After Peridot angrily typed that there was no way to convey her rage anymore, she began translating her rants into German.

_From: Peridorito  
IT WAS ONLY WAY I COULD MAKE MYSELF SOUND ANGRIER THAN CAPSLOCK_

_From: Peridorito  
I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE TO RESORT TO BADLY TRANSLATED GERMAN AGAINST YOU!!!_

_From: Peridorito  
GODFUCKINGDAMMIT JASPER WHERE ARE YOU WHY ARENT YOU RESPONDING_

“I didn’t sign up for this shit,” Jasper told her phone.

She didn’t sign up for this shit more than ten years ago back in kindergarten.  She was not looking for a longterm relationship when she had forgotten her blanket that day and during naptime the teacher suggested she share with Peridot.  Peridot hadn’t been entirely willing, especially when Jasper claimed the blanket as her own.  But somehow, after that day, they stayed friends, and now Jasper had to pay for that one relaxing nap.

By putting up with _this_ shit.

**◊** **◊ ◊**

_To: Peridorito  
SHE FUCKING DIES??? WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME THAT SHE WAS THE ONLY REASON I DECIDED TO KEEP READING THIS ENDLESS 9000+ PAGE PIECE OF CRAP_

_From: Peridorito  
I see you’re progressing nicely through the wonder that is Housetrapped.  THIS IS WHAT IT MEANS TO BE EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED BY A WEBCOMIC. DON’T THINK I’M SUCH A FREAK NOW, DO YOU?_

_To: Peridorito  
honestly this webcomic reminds me of the longest hardest shit ive ever taken_

_To: Peridorito  
except its even longer and more painful_

_From: Peridorito  
Eh, Bitchka needed to go. She did some pretty unforgivable things. SHE DID NOT NEED TO DO THAT THING SHE DID._

_To: Peridorito  
Stabros had it coming he was a whiny bitch_

_From: Peridorito  
Are you calling disabled characters whiny bitches???_

_To: Peridorito  
are you calling yourself a whiny bitch robot fingers?_

_From: Peridorito  
ARE YOU???_

_From: Peridorito  
Nevermind.  I must say, I’m amazed that you’re moving through act 5 so fast!_

_To: Peridorito  
i sorta skipped around and read all of bitchka’s botherboxes_

_From: Peridorito  
_ _ICH BIN EIN ZORNIGER KUCHEN MIT ERDBEERFÜLLUNG_

**◊** **◊ ◊**

Jasper had made more than one mistake in her lifetime.  If mistakes somehow miraculously became the new currency, Jasper had a feeling that she would be somewhere other than in her room, listening to Peridot rant.  No, she would be on a yacht somewhere, living it up with some rich, bikini-clad babes kissing her muscles....

Her eyes started to droop as her imagination went into overdrive.  Vaguely, her ears picked up something about romantic quadrilaterals.  But that was her fault.

Maybe it was a bit of an exaggeration to say that asking her about them was the biggest mistake she ever made.  But that one question—  “So, I don’t get the romance thing.  It’s confusing as shit, what the hell are the—” and she didn’t have to get any further because Peridot’s mouth immediately started moving and making sounds.

She heard something about a “kiss missus” being a fated enemy, and it made her mind imagine violently making out with one of the hot missuses on her yacht.  Maybe this quadrangle system was something she could get behind.

“...and it’s a completely _monumental_ concept to have a completely nonsexual relationship be considered a form of romance!  That’s why this comic is so transcendental!  Of course, _you_ would think that a good relationship would _have_ to have sex to be meaningful, wouldn’t you.”

The cloud above Jasper’s head burst as she angrily lunged forward.  “Hey, _we_ don’t have sex!  And I’ve stuck with you for how long?”

Peridot smirked.  “I say the word sex and suddenly you come back from the dead.”

“Alright, Peri, I’m gonna give you a challenge.  Tell me _all_ the romantic quadriceps under one minute, and don’t use any stupid words.”

Peridot’s eyes widened.  “Are you... actually gonna listen?”

“I’m fucking timing you.”

Peridot giggled.  Jasper scowled.  “Alright alright,” she said excitedly.  “One— regular human romance that you’re used to.”  Peridot held up her hands and mimed them kissing.  “Two— platonic soulmates.”  Her hands hugged.  Three—”  Peridot wildly gestured her prosthetics shoving some invisible thing between them.  “Intermediary in a bad relationship!  Four, fated nemeses.”  She started clapping her hands at each other, and maybe she was miming the hands beating each other up.

“Is that the one with the sexy hate-makeouts.”

“Yes, Jasper, it is the one with the sexy hate-makeouts.  Obviously the only one you’d care about.”

Jasper snorted.  “Platonic soulmates... they call that _romance?_  Why not just something easy like ‘best friends’?”

“Because it’s _more than that!_  They make up for each other’s greatest flaws and... they _complete each other!_  In Goblin society, they prevent each other from going on wild rampages and losing control over themselves.  It’s _romance I tell you!”_

“Peri you’ve exceeded your limit.”

“Wait, one more thing!  So you know how regular romance is represented by... by the _heart_ symbol, right?  So the others are the _other_ four suits of playing cards!  Isn’t Pussy a genius?!”

“He sounds like an asshole with way too much time on his hands.”

Peridot fell down on her back, staring at the ceiling, smiling contentedly.  “Ahh, aren’t we all.”

◊ ◊ ◊

Jasper would have liked to claim that she didn’t hear a word Peridot said.  But the next time she passed by a clothing store on the boardwalk, anything decorated with a playing card suit attracted her attention.  Alright, maybe some of those romance quadratics were kind of... _interesting._  Jasper hated to admit it.  She definitely wasn’t going to admit it to anyone, least of all Peridot.

She would never hear the end of it.

She had already gone to further lengths for Peridot that she ever thought she would.  But that was because they never stopped owing each other.  Without Peridot, Jasper would be a mess.  Without Peridot, she probably would have gotten herself arrested a long time ago.

And without Jasper, well, she needed _someone_ to drag her out of the house every once in a while...

This was stupid.  This stupid quadruplet system was making her go all... _soft._  She wasn’t going to go into that store.  She wasn’t going to buy her stupid nerd friend that stupid shirt.  No, she wasn’t going to spend her money feeding her goddamn ego.  She was going to regret this.  There was no reason to be this fucking...

“What the hell am I doing,” Jasper muttered to herself as she trumped down the boardwalk, a shopping bag clutched in her hand.

**◊** **◊ ◊**

“Which one was the diamond again?”

“Hm?”

Jasper was sweating underneath her jacket.  The middle of August was no time to be wearing a jacket, so it was best to get this over with as soon as possible.  “Which romantical quadriplegic was the diamond.  And don’t waste my time answering, just tell me in as few words as possible.”

Peridot grinned.  “That’s the one with the platonic soulmates that—”

“Okay, good I got it right.  Here you go.”  Jasper unceremoniously flung the shopping bag in front of her.  She thought of ironically wrapping it with pretty wrapping paper and tying it with a bow, but the effort wasn’t worth the joke.  Besides, she might actually take it seriously.  “Happy birthday, you Housetrapped trash.”

Peridot glared at the shopping bag, sniffed it suspiciously, and slowly pulled out a black T-shirt.  She frowned at it, shook it out, and held it in front of the light.  “This is....”  Her eyes widened.  Then, she shrieked.  “THIS IS... A DIAMOND!!”

“Surprise.”  Jasper gladly unzipped her sweater to reveal the matching diamond underneath.  “Don’t ask me why I got yellow ones, they were the only ones that I could find in a small and an extra large.”

Peridot lowered the T-shirt and gazed up at Jasper through watering eyes.  “J-Jasper,” she sniffed, “you really mean it?”

“Mean what, no stores fucking carry my size?”

“No!  The diamond!  You really... you really feel that way?”

She was making this _so fucking difficult...._  “Peri, if you make me say _anything_ out loud...”

Peridot threw back her head and wailed.  Jasper cringed.  Peridot’s body heaved with every sob and finally she dropped the shirt and threw her arms around Jasper’s middle.  She planted her face into her chest, which thankfully muffled the noise.  “Ugh, jeez, right between the boobs...”  Jasper patted her head, then realized that Peridot was probably getting snot and tears on her new shirt.

Peridot removed her head, gasping, her eyes red and shining.  “I LOVE YOU!” she screamed.

Jasper pressed her face back into her chest.  “You’re pathetic,” she mumbled.

**Author's Note:**

> So Peridot in this fic was basically a self-insert. Sorry this wasn't porn or even technically romantical, but yknow what, I appreciate my moirail and you all should too if you have anything close to moiraillegence.
> 
> I KNOW THAT IN CANON THEY DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A RELATIONSHIP BUT I WANT THEM TO BE BROS REALLY BADLY. BELIEVE IT OR NOT A GOOD HEALTHY MOIRAILEGENCE MEANS MORE TO ME THAN THE MOST STEAMY OF MATESPRITSHIPS, WHICH IS A FACT ABOUT MYSELF THAT YOU MIGHT BE FAMILIAR WITH FROM MY ONLY PREVIOUS WORK.
> 
> i hope you appreciated anyway


End file.
